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Sex Will Never Be the Same With the New Cthulhu Dildo

Most people are fucked up… we already know that. All tastes are in nature and apparently there’s a sex toy specially designed for every perversion in the world. And that includes these hand-crafted Cthulhu sex toys by Necronomicox.

From FunnyCrave:

For so long mankind has attempted to find a way to achieve the perfect combination of art, dildos and Cthulhu-induced vaginal madness. Some final products leaned too far in to the madness side, leaving vaginas shell shocked and begging for the sweet embrace of death. Other attempts drifted too far in to the artistic side, leaving us with dildos so abstract that they could have very easily been mistaken for some kind of late night infomercial kitchen appliance. But we shall worry about finding the perfect combination of this trifecta no longer. We have the NECRONOMICOX now, and all is well. […] At NECRONOMICOX.COM, you not only get to purchase a Cthulhu dildo, but also a dildo that seems to have been lobbed off the pelvis of a syphilitic zombie. [4]

How did these things come to be, you might ask? According to Necronomicox: “I saw a niche that needed to be filled, so to speak.” [1] [2] Because in his house at R’lyeh, dead Cthulhu waits dreaming masturbating, amirite?

This how the product is advertised on Etsy.com:

From the ancient depths arises a tentacled horror! Mythos, a mass of seething tentacles, is the largest of our offerings.  This ancient beast is approximately 11″ tall and 2″ across, with a stimulating tentacle tail.  Hand-crafted in platinum-cure, body safe silicone, this toy is available in whatever colour pairing you prefer. The silicone is intrinsically coloured for safety and durability. Each Necronomicox toy is one-of-a-kind and comes with a certificate of authenticity. Information on caring for your toy is also provided. These photos are examples of the two-colour Mythos toy. Please contact us about what colours you would like. The possibilities are almost limitless, and we are happy to match to photos, Pantone colours, tattoos, or whatever else catches your fancy. [5]

As crazy as it sounds, the reality is that there’s probably some suburban housewife out there with 2.5 kids, a golden retriever playing in her backyard, and regularly throws Tupperware parties, that, every night before bed, asks her husband to bang her with an accurate representation of a dead dick. [4] If you’ve been looking for a Cthulhu dildo, for yourself or maybe as a gift, search no further. Each one sells for between $125 to $175 (depending on size, lenght and girth). They’re available through Etsy or the Necronomicox website. Toys are shipped with tracking and insurance (Canada and US only) unless requested otherwise. Worldwide shipping available.

[1] Cory Doctorow, Cthulhu sex-toys!, Boing Boing, 11:36 pm Sat Dec 11, 2010
[2] Finally! Cthulhu dildos, Dangerous Minds, 05.11.2016 01:31 pm
[3] Cthulhu Dildo (NSFW), Buzzfeed, Dec. 13, 2010, at 1:20 p.m.


About Bill Wallace

Bill Wallace is a self-fashioned writter, a computer programmer and cybermarketer from Quebec City, Canada who decided to enter the political arena after his disillusionment with the socialist system under which he was living in the French Canadian province of Quebec.

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