Another disgusting article has been posted on Metro.co.uk which is now the dirtiest garbage can of the Internet. For a reason unknown, this family oriented news outlet is now publishing cultural marxist crap and pornographic filth at a paste that makes Pornhub look like a bunch of amateurs. This new article is about how men like to have their testicles sucked and licked. That’s right… Family stuff you know… The article begins like this: “Walnuts. Dangly bits. The funsack. Whatever you call ’em, balls are, well, there. They exist. And beyond ‘play with them’ and ‘do not approach them as though they were a Bop It’.”  As you can see there is no easy way to introduce a subject as ridiculous as this one. Then the author (who is a woman) is telling her readers that most girls “sucks” at licking balls. Apparently they need to know how to perform such an essential social skill and the journal you read riding the subway on your way to work (Metro) is the place where you can learn how to do it . Once again, there is no easy way to bring the reader into such a ludicrous subject. Here is how Ellen Scott from Metro.co.uk managed to do it:
Loads of people who don’t have their own set of balls have no idea what to do with someone else’s. Why? Because we have no clue how balls feel – the same way anyone without a clitoris can’t truly understand its joy. And just like us and our fun buttons, different men like entirely different things when it comes to their balls. Different strokes for different folks, you know? It doesn’t help that men don’t tend to be very detailed and specific when they’re asking for some action. It feels awkward to ask mid-sex: ‘wait, what? Do you mean gentle stroking? Cupping? Lick them HOW? GOD YOU’RE SO BAD AT COMMUNICATING’.
To elucidate this fascinating mystery they rounded up some random guys and asked them to describe what they actually want their partners to do with their balls. Their answers are as idiotic and unnecessary as you expect.
Hey, men. How do you like a partner to touch your balls?
Charlie, 24: ‘In all honesty, I’m not that fussed about it. I find something weird about them being touched plus they’re bloody sensitive so would sooner just not have them touched.’
Sam, 27: ‘Sparingly, but keep them involved. Got to be careful though, it’s a very sensitive area and needs to be treated gently.’
Jeff, 27: ‘…In a nice way? It’s so different for everyone so girls should read body language of their partner. I don’t think girls should instantly rule it out though, worth a test to determine whether that’s the direction the wind is blowing.’
John, 24: ‘Gently, if at all. But a good ball tongue massage never hurts.’
Martin, 37: ‘Cupping, pulling, licking.’
Rory, 24: ‘Gently stroked while giving a hand job or oral, but not excessively. They don’t require that much attention except maybe intermittently while doing other things.’
Mike, 25: ‘Cupping, grabbing, stroking all good. Kissing, licking, sucking great too.’
What’s the one thing you wish women knew about balls?
Charlie: ‘Just how god damn sensitive they are. The slightest knock can bring a tear (or many) to your eye.’
Sam: ‘Yes, they are ungainly, horrific-looking, hairy sacks of semen; but they are delicate souls. Think of them a bit like nipples – sure, you don’t have to involve them, but with a soft and thoughtful touch it can enhance the experience.’
Jeff: ‘Rule of thumb is that some guys like (sometimes a lot) and some hate. It’s the marmite of guy requests. Explore would be my advice. And don’t venture even further south unless they specifically request that (or they’re Kanye).’
John: ‘Treat the balls like they are made of glass. They really are very sensitive. And yes – the left one should hanger lower than the right.’
t hang there, with no mind being paid to them. They aren’t so fragile that they can’t be handled!’Rory: ‘That they are very sensitive so be gentle. Not much pleasure comes out of them, but they shouldn’t be totally neglected. Venturing into parts unknown can be exciting in itself.’
Mike: ‘They’re crazy sensitive but in a unique way. That whole thing as a kid getting whacked in the nuts by a friend? It’s not overreacting. It’s like a deep pain in the stomach!’
What’s something that you absolutely do NOT want a partner to do to your balls?
Charlie: ‘Grabbed. Any sort of pressure beyond the lightest squeeze is probably going to hurt and could lead to an involuntary kick.’
Sam: ‘Really not into the whole ball sucking thing. I can see why some would like it, but not for me, no thank you.’
Jeff: ‘I guess they’re sensitive, so patting (yes, that happens) should be ruled out as weird. And of course no pulling or punching unless your partner is into that. Beyond that, just play nice, that’d be the ask.’
John: ‘Don’t treat them like you’re on a porn set. Men in porn may like powerful suction but taking a hoover to the scrotum isn’t the one.’Martin: ‘Don’t yank or bite balls. Please don’t slap them (this happens more frequently than is spoken of).’
Rory: ‘Squeeze them. Again, they’re sensitive and should be handled with care.’
Mike: ‘Whack, bite, squeeze.’
And finally, do you have any memorable experiences of someone doing something mind-blowingly brilliant involving your balls?
Charlie: ‘Nothing out of the ordinary, but first time they were involved in a blow job was pretty exciting. Hadn’t really considered that an option before but getting some oral attention was a lot of fun.’
Sam: ‘Something I must admit to actually being pretty good was when as I was about to climax (to use the awkward technical term), she kind of cupped them firmly, but not too firm of course, and just kind of squeezed a couple of times as she was… you know, helping with the other hand.’
Jeff: ‘I like it. So lots of examples. But I think that you can tell when girls are into it too. It’s CRYSTAL CLEAR when they aren’t. ‘Guys aren’t as unmindful of what their partner is feeling as we often get labelled, so if you’re not into doing it stick to the other area in the immediate vicinity because chances are it shows and we’re just trying to be polite and appreciative that you’re trying. But it won’t be getting the blood pumping… that’s all I’ll say.’
John: ‘Not really, to be honest. I’m not really a big ball guy, but tongue to balls followed by some low to medium suction is always welcome.’Martin: ‘An ex-girlfriend of mine would draw a figure 8 and cup her tongue around my balls during blowjobs – as though they were part of the same pathway as the shaft. She would also massage them vigourously during intercourse, just reach down there. Clearly, she was more interested in them than even I was.’
Rory: ‘She gently tickled them with her tongue and lightly sucked on them. The central idea is to be gentle, but give them some attention. When it’s done with the tongue it’s best.’
Mike: ‘Sucking while giving a handjob.’
Well. That was is some stupid unnecessary shit right there. The author concludes: “I think what we can learn here is that when it comes to balls, men are pretty varied in what they love and what they really, really don’t like. Some guys love ball-related action. Some men are super sensitive. The best thing is to try stuff, start gently, and ask what your partner likes (maybe when you’re not actually having sex, so you’re not interrupting the action). Balls can be wonderful. Don’t leave them out of the fun.”